Is a Sexless Marriage Normal? What It Means and When to Seek Help
There are countless stereotypes about sex and marriage. A big one is the oft-referenced joke that once you tie the knot, your sex life will gradually fade away.
Y’all, no one gets married because they want to have less sex. And it isn’t unheard of that life can get in the way of good ol’ fashioned sexy time – work, kids, stress, social time with friends – all can impact your libido and sex drive.
And hey, a few weeks go by. Then a few months. Maybe even a few years. Before you know it, you can’t remember the last time you had sex.
So, while it may not be totally uncommon to go through “dry spells” in your marriage, it also doesn’t mean you need to live in a sex drought for the rest of your life.
Especially if you want to be having sex!
So, if you’re not having sex in your marriage – it is definitely worth investing the reasons why, since your sex life plays a huge role in your connection to your partner.
Why Sex Stops After Marriage
Married couples can stop having sex for all sorts of reasons. One of them is the demands of modern adult life. We take on more responsibilities as we get older, and we create routines to handle them. When our days get more robotic, sex and passion naturally float towards the backburner. These responsibilities occupy our minds, and it’s hard (pun intended) to even think about sex when you have so much else to worry about.
Another common culprit is health and our changing bodies. Certain health conditions can inhibit the desire to have sex or the ability to experience pleasure. When sex doesn’t feel the same anymore or it’s harder to get an erection, forgetting about sex altogether doesn’t seem like a bad idea.
The point is, it’s important to put away our jump-to-conclusions mat instead of just assuming your lovey is deliberately withholding sex from you. It could be for reasons you’d never expect, and there’s only one way to find out.
Set Aside Time to Talk
Before you jump to conclusions (ahem, put that mat away, folks), set aside some private time to time to talk to your spouse about your concerns. This is an uncomfortable but important conversation, so you wouldn’t want to just bring it up out of the blue, catching your partner completely off-guard.
Pick a time when you’re both free and there is no potential for distractions or interruptions. This ensures you’ll have your partner’s full attention, and it gives both of you time to mentally and emotionally prepare for the conversation.
Now, often times – these conversations may lead you to recognize the need for extra help if you want to re-ignite your sex life. You may find that performance anxiety and work stress are contributing to your partner’s lack of interest in sex. Or, you may find that your partner has been having an emotional affair with someone in the office (nothing physical, but just light flirting that has resulted in their lack of interest at home).
Whatever the root cause is – sometimes, it’s important to seek outside help.
When to Seek Help from a Professional
As a board-certified sex therapist, I provide a safe, neutral space where both partners can express their desires and concerns and feel heard.
Lots of people are uncomfortable talking about sex or any issues that they are experiencing with it, but they might be more inclined to open up with a professional.
If you are ready to start revving your engines again in your marriage, go ahead and set up a free 15-minute consultation with me. We’ll talk briefly about your situation and what options you have as an individual and as a couple for sex therapy. Why put off good times any longer? Let’s connect.