How to Approach Sex as a Non-Binary and Trans Person Dealing with Gender Dysphoria
Many transgender or non-binary people grow up suffering from gender dysphoria. This is a feeling of unease or discomfort that comes from your physical body not aligning with your gender identity. When you’re this uncomfortable with your body, making physical contact with others can cause physical discomfort, even from a hug.
These feelings don’t necessarily just disappear even if you’ve chosen to start hormone therapy or have undergone any gender-affirming surgeries. You may still be uneasy with the idea of someone else seeing you naked, even if it’s completely consensual.
Gender dysphoria is real, but you can conquer it. By having open communication and easing your way into sexual activity that feels the most affirming to you, you can learn to relax in your lovey’s company and experience the pleasure you deserve.
Pinpoint Exactly What Bothers You About Sex
The key to overcoming gender dysphoria is understanding where it’s coming from. You know that intimacy makes you uncomfortable, but what is it specifically that you’re afraid of? Are you worried about being seen differently in the eyes of your partner? Are you afraid you won’t be able to perform because of your nerves or anxiety? Do you feel insecure in your gender identity when you’re naked?
Pinpointing exactly what it is about intimacy that scares you allows you to see where these fears are coming from. You may find that some of your fears are rooted in cultural expectations, or a certain sexual scenario that’s “supposed” to play out.
Remember society has no business telling you what great sex looks like, nor do you have to conform to other peoples’ expectations. Porn can also cause a big misconception on what sex is supposed to look or feel like. When you want to be intimate with someone, the only opinions that matter are you and your partner’s.
Get to the Root of Your Fears
Gender dysphoria can stem and be triggered from anywhere- from personal, and often traumatic, experiences to the seemingly random day-to-day moments. Maybe you were bombarded with queer hate throughout your childhood, maybe a random stranger at the store misgendered you, or maybe doom scrolling on social media lead you to Anti-LQBTQ+ posts. Any of these experiences can impact your mental space on a given day.
Dysphoria could also be rooted in some form of abuse. If you feel that traumatic experiences could be at play, it can be very helpful to take some time, go through your fears, and write down your feelings when reflecting on any of these experiences – if you feel up to it. It’s always wise to seek help from a board-certified sex therapist to help you as you work through past traumas that could be impacting your way to a healthy sex life.
If these experiences are still affecting you very powerfully, you might not be 100% ready for intimacy, and that’s perfectly fine. In this case, it’s best to take it slow and ease your way into physical contact.
Ease Your Way into Physical Contact
A big step towards preparing for intimacy is teaching your body to embrace physical touch with those you feel safe with. Though it may be uncomfortable at first, try being a little more physical or touchy-feely with people you trust. Give your friends more hugs, high fives, or even a little pat on the back.
Over time, your body will learn to relax when somebody you trust is touching you in a safe, consensual way.
Have an Experienced Therapist in Your Corner
If you feel ready to be intimate with someone, it’s highly recommended to have a trusted mental health professional on standby. Having gender dysphoria can be painful and make it difficult to be fully open, intimate, and vulnerable with your partner. While gender dysphoria can feel emotionally overpowering, it can impact you differently at different times – including in how strong or even how long it can last when it hits you. As I mentioned, gender dysphoria can be triggered when you least expect it during your day – like getting misgendered by your waiter while out to dinner, finding old photographs at a relative’s house, or being dead named.
As a board-certified sex and intimacy therapist, I provide a safe space where you can talk openly about these triggers and learn how to navigate them. I can also help you figure out how to talk about gender dysphoria with other people who you trust and ease your way into sexual relationships at your own pace.
So, if you need someone to talk to you about your gender dysphoria and fears of intimacy, please get in touch. Overcoming gender dysphoria is a journey, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Schedule your FREE consultation with me today.