Are Your Sexual Expectations Hurting Your Sex Life?

When it comes to your sex life – are your own expectations, or shall we say “sexpectations,” getting the way?

First things first, it is “normal” to have degrees of expectations from your loved one when it comes to your relationship. To be loved, cared for and acknowledged, both mentally and physically, are just some examples of expectations that are COMPLETELY acceptable in a relationship.

Now what about when it comes to sex? Are there reasonable expectations? And under what circumstances?

While expectations, or more pointedly sexpectations, can crop up throughout the year during a relationship – there are a few key events during the year where couples either feel pressure or get called out for what their loved one wants or expected in the bedroom. We have anniversaries, birthdays, and old faithful… Valentine’s Day. These tried and true landmark days can either have us “singing in the rain” of sexual bliss or… they may end with someone on the sofa for the night (either in your own home or at a friend’s house).

So, what are we to do with all these expectations?

At Blue Pearl Therapeutic, we work with our clients to nip sexpectations in the bud – before they rear their ugly head and have an impact on your relationship.

Here are some tips to tackle sexpectations ahead of time:

First, get your sexpectations out of your head and onto paper. The less your mind is cluttered the better it is to look at what you are wanting. What is that you are looking for from your loved one? Get really specific about what it is you want and WHY. Most of us are willing to support a need, want, or desire from a loved one if we understand the “why” behind it.

Have your loved one write out their own set of sexpectations. Remember… you are not the only one that has sexual expectations in this relationship. Ask them to make a list and be specific.

Understand the stage of life your relationship is in. If you and your loved one had a baby 3 weeks ago, it is unrealistic to expect a hot and heavy night of passion on Valentine’s Day. However, it is realistic to have some alone time together where the focus is on the two of you. This can be talking and caressing. If it leads to more sexual activity then great!

Have a loving and open conversation several days or a week before Valentine’s day or other landmark day about what you placed on your list. Keep in mind you may not get all you want… but also you may find you both want some more of the same things.

When it comes to expectations in a relationship, regardless of what the main theme is, it’s important that you open a dialogue about what you’re looking for. If you’re not talking about what your needs, wants, and desires are the probability of it playing out just the way you want is a lot lower than snowfall in Miami. (Granted, it happened once – in the 1970s – but yeah, you get our point on probability).

If you find the conversation is going nowhere or that both of you are digging your heals in the sand and not wanting to meet each other half way, then come by the office and we’ll figure it out together.