When You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Kinks
You don’t have to be a relationship expert to know that many happy couples don’t share every single one of each other’s interests. It’s the way lots of successful couples work, in my experience: There are some things they share in common, and some things they don’t.
This can range from your choice in fashion to your taste in food to what turns you on, sexually.
If you have a proclivity for a certain kink, it’s only natural to want to share it with your partner. But from what you know about them, this doesn’t seem like something they’d be into.
Does this mean the relationship is destined for failure? Not all. There’s a certain approach towards navigating sexual incompatibilities that makes it easier to form compromises and even find common ground.
Here’s what to do:
Talk to Your Partner About Your Kink
The importance of open communication cannot be stressed enough. Don’t drop hints here and there, or casually talk about your kink in passing like it’s a joke.
Your sexual needs are important to you, and they deserve a real conversation. So, make sure to take the time when you and your partner can have each other’s undivided attention for a prolonged period.
Since you want to be absolutely sure your partner understands you, you’ll want to approach the conversation with a sense of calm. People typically have an easier time processing new information when it’s conveyed calmly and softly. Speaking this way will also allow you to be specific with your kink. If there’s a specific act you enjoy (e.g. slapping, whipped cream) communicate this directly. The idea is to make sure everything is out in the open.
When You’re Learning About Your Partner’s Kink
If you’re learning about your partner’s kink for the first time, pay attention to your gut reaction. Your body will tell you if this is something you could potentially be interested in, or if it’s just not in the cards.
Do you feel curious? Confused? A little excited?
Conversely, maybe you suddenly feel tense, uneasy, or constricted. That’s your body’s way of saying “no.”
Can You Form a Compromise?
If your gut reaction is no, don’t pretend it might be a “yes” in the future. Communicate your response as soon as you know it, so you don’t keep your partner’s hopes up.
If you decide to move forward and explore either partner’s kink, take it slow. You need to give your partner time to experience the kink and see how it makes them feel. Through gradual experimentation, you may find certain aspects of your partner’s kink you enjoy, but others you don’t. For instance, slapping might not be your thing, but you might have no problem with gags and handcuffs.
Maybe your partner’s kink doesn’t turn you on, but it doesn’t necessarily turn you off, either. In this case, you can decide if you’re willing to normalize and embrace your partner’s kink. It’s okay if sex is sometimes more focused on one partner’s pleasure, as long as both partners’ needs are met in general and neither partner feels neglected in any way.
When You Can’t Find Common Ground
After some experimentation, you may find that you just have no desire to participate in your partner’s kink, or they can’t bring themselves to participate in yours. In this case, it’s time to have another conversation about how important your kinks are to one another. If both partners can’t give up their kinks, you might explore some creative ways to incorporate your kinks into your lives without direct participation.
It may also be wise to consult someone who specializes in resolving these exact situations. As a board-certified sex therapist, I can help you and your partner find healthy outlets for your sexual needs while explore new ways to bridge the gaps between each other’s kinks.
So, if you and your partner are having trouble with mismatched kinks, contact me at Blue Pearl Therapeutic for your FREE 15-minute consultation.