What’s Stopping You from Orgasming?

Based on what we see in the media, you’d think that having an orgasm comes as naturally to everyone as brushing your teeth.

In reality, lots of people have a very difficult time accessing the sexual pleasure they deserve. I’ve met men and women who have no trouble getting aroused – and even feel like they’re close to climaxing – but the big O never comes (literally). 

So, what’s stopping you from having an orgasm? The likely culprit may surprise you, and it’s largely attributed to our culture’s obsession with orgasms in general. 

The Myth of Goal-Oriented Sex

American culture is all about winning and success. Based on our culture’s view of sex, a sexual experience is not “successful” if neither party has an orgasm. In other words, an orgasm is not only the ultimate goal of sex, it’s the entire purpose of sex to begin with. 

While orgasms can certainly be a fantastic aspect of sex, they’re not a mandatory component of a pleasurable sexual experience. Just because someone has an orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean the sex was unbelievable. Likewise, not having an orgasm during sex doesn’t necessarily mean you didn’t experience significant pleasure and/or fulfillment. 

Every sexual experience should be viewed as a journey towards joy, relaxation, and shared intimacy. It’s not a task you have to complete just to make yourself feel good.  

Unfortunately, too many people enter sexual experiences with this mentality, and it may very well be what’s stopping you from having an orgasm. 

How Sex-pectations Take You Out of the Present

When we put orgasms up on a pedestal, we put pressure on ourselves to have them. They’re all we think about during sex. 

Here’s the thing: focusing on orgasms only makes them more difficult to achieve. Your body becomes so tense from the pressure that you can’t even really enjoy the experience at all. Instead of cherishing every second of pleasure, you’re just thinking about how much longer it will take you to have an orgasm. 

The Key to Maximizing Orgasms: Don’t Think About It

It may sound strange at first, but the key to maximizing the likelihood of an orgasm is not thinking about it. When you’re completely focused on the present moment – instead of the future – it’s much easier for your body to relax, setting the stage for a mind-blowing orgasm. The more you enjoy the act of sex (e.g. the feeling of your partner’s body against yours, the sensation of every single movement), the more likely you are to climax. 

And it’ll feel even better because you’re not expecting it. Orgasms have a tendency to sneak up on you, like the inspiration for your next creative project, or the name of that person you’re trying to remember. It’s only when you stop thinking about it and concentrate entirely on something else that the answer reveals itself. 

Make Sure You’re 100% Relaxed Before Sex

Orgasms are more likely to take place when you feel calm and safe with your partner. So, think about what may be stopping you from feeling this way. Is there something about your surrounding environment that’s preventing you from relaxing? Is your partner unknowingly doing or saying something that’s making you tense? 

Talking to a sex and intimacy therapist can also help you figure out exactly what turns you on, since these are the first steps towards an orgasm. I can even teach you some highly effective grounding techniques for losing yourself in the present moment right before sex. 

So, if you’re having trouble orgasming and you want more pleasure from sex, please contact me at Blue Pearl Therapeutic.