How to Ask Your Partner If They’re Open to a Threesome
So, you want a little extra spice (shall I say, “thrice”) in the bedroom but are not quite sure if your partner would be interested?
The most important thing in any relationship especially as it relates to sex, is consent. Consent is a sexy thing. While you may already know that you cannot just bring a third partner into the bedroom without consent, the question remains how do you approach the subject in the first place?
What if this is the first time you want to try something new like this or the first time you want to venture posing the question to your partner? It’s natural to feel nervous or anxious about broaching the subject matter with your partner. In fact, it’s totally understandable.
Having a threesome should be about having fun, enjoying yourselves, and maybe exploring a different side to yourselves as individuals and as a couple. But much like any big change in a relationship, it needs to start with honest and direct communication.
The Big Ask
Having a threesome as a couple that has predominantly, up until this point, been just a duo can impact your relationship beyond the act itself. So, while you may be aware that you do need to seek consent from your partner, it also means you need to open discuss what it means to you as a couple and lay out some ground rules while you’re at it.
The initial request should come with an open dialogue to discuss, where, when and how this could take place. You would need to address how the threesome could impact both of your emotional states and how you plan to address them together.
Being transparent with one another from the get-go about how you want to address jealousy and any other emotions that could arise both before and after the fact, is key.
So, how do you ask your partner? Start by setting a time when you both can provide each other with your undivided attention for a prolonged period. Meaning, don’t ask your partner about it 10 minutes before they have to dash off to work or pick up the kids. Make sure that time can be uninterrupted by external forces like kids, work, or other obligations.
Next, lead with curiosity. Rather than coming off hard (pun intended), and telling them that you want to try this, it’s best to start off from an open and inquisitive space. Ask them questions, “hey, I was wondering – have you ever had a threesome before? Is it something you’d ever be open to considering? Would you want to have one with me?” If they say no, don’t just scamper off and hide behind “oh, me neither.” Be prepared to honestly share why you are asking in the first place.
The key is to ease into the conversation and be aware that is a sensitive topic for both of you.
Finally, be sure to share with your partner what your relationship means to you. That you enjoy and value your intimacy as a couple. This is just something you were thinking about and wanted to open with them on as a potential possibility, if they consented.” Be sure to ease any worries that your interest in a threesome does not mean you are interested in other people, it’s just something you’d be interested in sharing together. Of course, don’t say that if it isn’t true.
If you have questions about how to open this dialogue with your partner, go ahead and set up a free 15-minute call with me. We can lay the foundations and start to discuss what comes next on your journey to sexual intimacy.
As a board-certified sex therapist, I offer in-person and virtual sessions in Austin, Texas as well as virtual sessions for those living throughout Texas and Florida.
Here’s to a new day,
Gabriela